


alone at a table for two

by panlesters



Series: pff bingo 2019 [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, just references to it, no actual death in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 12:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20675126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: why he couldn't have just sat at the stupid fucking sofa, he's not sure.for the bingo prompt "time jumps"





	alone at a table for two

**Author's Note:**

> wow i really missed writing angst  
i feel like im getting through these too quickly but also i have a lot of free time rn and i just wanna Write Stuff so that's what im doing i guess  
title from death of a bachelor by panic! at the disco

Normally he remembers to sit at the sofa. He was just in a hurry today, and he ended up in this old seat. He didn't even notice at first. It was only when he looked up and opposite him and remembered that there wouldn't be another person there to smile back at him. 

He takes a deep breath. He can do this. He can eat at a table without breaking down in tears. He hates it. It's been six months and this is the thing he still can't do. 

* * *

  
_"Phiiil," Dan's whining from their new bedroom. It's early, too early for him to have to be calling Phil back to bed. He should already _be_ there. _

_"Come on, Dan, come and eat some breakfast," Phil calls back. "We can't miss breakfast on our first morning." _

_Dan whines again, loudly. They were too tired from moving boxes in last night that they didn't have any energy for sex like they'd planned, and Dan has woken up hard and needy._

_"But we haven't even broken in the bed yet!" _

_He knows that will get Phil's attention. Phil's just as horny as he is in the morning, if not more. He grins when he sees Phil's head pop round the corner. It drops to a frown when Phil smirks, though._

_"Well maybe I was thinking that we could break in that kitchen table instead." The sly grin he gives Dan as he turns and walks away is enough to make Dan jump up and out of bed._

* * *

  
Dan turns to look at the view out the window. It's better than the empty chair in front of him. It's a pretty view. They chose the house for it. It's on a hill, looking out over fields and farmland outside of London. It's nice to be somewhere more rural, they thought. Quiet, with a garden for a dog and kids. They had a whole life planned out here. 

He takes a shaky breath as he eats another spoonful of cereal. So far so good, he tells himself. 

* * *

  
_"It's so beautiful here." _

_Phil smiles. "It reminds me of home, a little." _

_Dan looks up at him, then. His heart swells for Phil, who is back in the countryside where he really belongs. Central London was good for them, really, but it's nice to be able to breathe fresh air again, instead of the grimy, polluted air that became less and less noticeable the more you stayed there. _

_"I miss that house," Dan murmurs. He thinks about all the firsts he had in that house. First love, first coming out, first loving and accepting parental figures. He's truly so lucky to have Phil and his family. He's not sure what he'd do without them. _

_He leans himself onto Phil's shoulder and feels a hand come up to thread fingers into his hair. He sighs and leans into it, letting those fingers scratch into his scalp in the way they've learnt to over the last ten years, in just the way Dan likes it. He lets out a contented sigh, and allows for Phil to just pamper him a little while._

* * *

  
Dan leans his head on his hand, threads his own fingers into his hair. It's not the same. It's less than a sorry substitute. He misses those hands, he misses the person those hands were attached to. His heart aches with pain and missing. He's missing his soulmate, his other half, and it _hurts_. It hurts more than he could ever imagine it hurting. 

Suddenly he's crying. Big, ugly sobs wrack his body. His spoon has long since fallen to the table. He can feel his legs coming up to curl into himself, make himself smaller, so small he could disappear. 

Why he couldn't have just sat at the stupid fucking sofa, he's not sure. Now he's crying because of where he sat. He's pathetic, he's _worthless_ without Phil. He can't believe how dependent he feels on that feeling of contentment from being around Phil. He hates himself for how they clung to each other, all the time. Why couldn't he have set himself up for this? 

* * *

  
_He's really, desperately hoping that Phil is home alone when he reaches his front door. It's raining, and his hair is sticking to his forehead. He's crying, but he hopes the rain masks that. His little bag of clothes is probably soaking wet. It all makes him cry a little harder. _

_He reaches up and rings the doorbell. He feels stupid already, suddenly jumping on a train to Manchester just because he and his dad had a fight. But he's hurting, and he wants to get away to somewhere safe, somewhere he won't have to explain himself. _

_Phil's told him before that Thursday nights are date nights for Kath and Nigel, so he's really hoping he can sneak inside without having to explain himself to a parent. He's been on the train for three hours but he hasn't brought himself to text Phil and let him know where he is. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. He just wants to crawl into those welcoming arms and hide from the world. _

_The blood drains from his face when the door opens, and he sees Kath stood in front of him. Her face goes from surprise, to confusion, to something Dan can only describe as motherly. _

_"Dan?" _

_He's too in shock to say anything. He just stands there, sniffling, shivering, trying his best not to look her in the eye. _

_"Get inside, child, now please." She pulls him in gently, takes the bag from his back, and his coat from his shoulders. She leads him into the kitchen and sits him down at the table. _

_"You're lucky I just boiled the kettle," she tells him. He can hear a slight sternness to her voice, and he shivers again. She busies herself, grabbing a towel for him from the boiler room and making him a tea. He softens when he realises she just knows how he takes it now, from how many times he's been here. _

_They sit in silence a little while, before Kath speaks up. _

_"You didn't tell Phil you were coming, did you sweetie?" _

_Dan shakes his head. _

_"Does your mum know, baby?" _

_Dan shakes his head again, a sob rising in his throat. _

_"Okay, sweetie, how about you go and have a shower? Leave me your phone and I'll ring your mum, yeah?"_

* * *

  
She's always been a place of comfort for him, really. Even more so since... well he knows since when. He was scared they would cut him out after, that it would be too painful, or, deeper in his mind, that they only cared about him because Phil cared about him. 

But he remembers being asked back to Kath and Nigel's for some tea after the wake. And ever since then, they've met up regularly. He's still their son, Nigel tells him one day. Even if they're missing a person, he's still important and they still love him like their own. 

He's doing his best to hold in the sobs as he waits at the door, but the moment it opens he breaks. It's okay, he knows. They've seen each other cry enough at this point for there to be no shame or embarrassment. He just wishes it was under different circumstances. 

"Oh, baby," Kath says, opening her arms like she did all those years ago. He can hear the wobble in her voice, that she's trying to be strong for him. A sob rips through him, then, at the thought that she lost her _son_, but she still has to be the strong one. 

He clings to her like a life raft as the door closes, letting himself cry because what else can he do? She threads her fingers through his hair and waits for the crying to subside. It's comforting, to feel that from someone else's hands. 

It's not Phil's hands, but it reminds him that all is not lost. He sees him in his mum, in their loving home, in the gentle touches, in the soft words. He might be missing Phil, and it might hurt like hell, but he still has pieces of him to cling onto.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


End file.
